I got a colonic 😳

I had my first colonic, so if that stuff makes you wanna barf, you're not alone.  Also, stop reading this or you might want to puke. 😜

Why did I do this?  I've been trying to heal my gut for 6 months.  I went to my functional doctor a couple of weeks ago and told him going gluten-free for 5 months hasn't had much impact.  So he suggested I now go gluten AND dairy free for 3-6 months, since both are highly inflammatory.

He also suggested getting a colonic to see if that helps anything.  I'll try anything twice, so I made my appointment. 

After my doctor's appointment, I had my favorite fast food . . . Bojangles fried chicken, honey mustard, French fries, and a biscuit.  I had all the gluten and felt totally fine for hours after.  So I'm still going to be 95% gluten-free unless it's a special occasion.

Anyway, back to the colonic.  You cannot eat 2 hours beforehand, so I scheduled it early morning and only had black coffee and water.  

Hopefully you can see the image of what the setup is.  She said to take off my pants and put lubricant on the tip of the hose and on my butthole.  Sorry, I don't know how to be anything but graphic for this. 

She is NOT in the room for disrobing or insertion.  I was mentally prepared to be spread-eagle with a stranger doing crazy things to my body, so that was a relief to be alone and unrushed.

Okay, so I got on the plastic bed contraption and followed her directions, then covered up with a sheet.  She came in and turned on the hose.  Within seconds I felt like I was filling like a water balloon.  It was like I ate an entire pizza all at once.  She stayed only a minute to see if I had questions and to make sure I didn't hurt or cramp or feel dizzy.

I kept saying, "This is so weird and unusual.  It's a lot to process." She pointed out a mirror on the lower wall, as well as a big clear tube, so I could watch my grossness exit my body and float away.  Bleh. 🤢

Then she left the room, coming to check on me every 10 or 15 minutes.  She was super sweet.  It just felt like I was internally expanding, like a fast-forward pregnancy. 

The body takes over, and nature is like let's go with the flow.  So there's a constant, gentle flow of water up your butt, which means what goes in will also come out.  But, like labor and delivery or when you have the stomach bug, there is some pushing happening too. 

Are you grossed out over all this?

It was 45 minutes of cleansing, and I felt fine the whole time.  I had a few moments of chills and Lamaze breathing, just like when you're sick, but it was okay.

She then came in, turned off the hose, and told me to stay horizontal since excess water was still in my colon.  If I stood up, I'd wet the floor like my water had broken.  She pointed to a hose on the wall to wash myself off once she left the room. I'm no scientist, but you can't really hose off when horizontal, you know?  So I got on my knees to be vertical and hose myself off.  Real talk: my cheeks had gotten somewhat wet during the colonic so that's not great.  I'm sure this mental image is disturbing, sorry.

I basically got the floor all wet, but there's no way to avoid that.  I then grabbed a lot of paper towels and wipes, feeling somewhat dirty and violated, and wishing they had a lower body shower stall option with soap to feel clean. 

She had told me I'd leave feeling light and hungry.  I did not feel light or lighter, and I did not feel hungry.  She instructed me to load up on electrolytes since those had been depleted during the process.  You know I already use Momsanity electrolytes on the daily, so that's easy.  She said to take my probiotic if I used them.  And she said no meat or raw vegetables for 6 hours....uh what?  What in the world do I eat?!?

I made sure to text my 4 sons what I had done.  They had no clue what this was so I gave a quick lesson.  One kid texted back: bro nahhhh.  Another kid responded: that's nasty.  I live for disgusting my offspring, so I laughed a lot.

All in all, it was a unique experience.  I think if you're a constipated person (which I'm not), you should do this monthly.  I don't regret it, but I never felt any different from it.  Hours later, I did have a trapped air bubble in my stomach and felt queasy.  This treatment can increase gas and bloating as the body adjusts to the disruption / imbalance with gut flora.

Sorry to gross you out.  I'm happy to answer any questions!  Okay, I think that's it.  Have a great day!

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